Living with an alcoholic/addict can be hard to understand. How can they not see how their drinking or using is affecting everything? Honestly, they do not. Very simply put when the people that love and care about them insist on ignoring everything and making believe in the status quo, the drunk takes that as acceptance. It’s just the way it is, and more importantly, that you accept their action. They have no clue that it bothers you.
You need to spell things out. Clearly, and confidently, tell them that their actions are not acceptable to you. Saying it once will have little or no impact. Just like the first time they came home hammered. It had little impact on you. It’s the years of them coming home hammered the lack of taking responsibility, and the increase in usage that has had the effect on you. Each time, you probably gave them a stern talking to, and moved on. For you, life keeps moving on. The bills still have to be paid, and if you can get them to participate with you in anyway, you are jumping at the chance.
Each time you make nice, you wipe out all the statements of I do not like your drinking. Not acceptable once has to be not acceptable at all times and forever. The rules do not change simply because they have thrown you a bone. The bone is a little bit of affection nine times out of ten. They are cheating with you on their real lover, alcohol or drugs.
Here is a small tip. Not acceptable is not acceptable. Get that point across. That may mean taking the empties out of the trash and putting a post it on the bottle. They will come home and throw the bottle back in the trash, pull it out and put the note on it. No screaming, no yelling, no discussion. NOT IN MY HOUSE. This is your house, and the drunk does not get to rule the roost. You do. You are the sober one. They do not like your no-drinking or using rules, they may leave. Period. Not acceptable is not acceptable.
Just to get you out of their face, they will attempt to follow your rules. Just to keep you quiet, and not messing up their high. Do not let them. Call it like you see it, your drunk, go away and sober up. Make your home a sober zone for real. They are either with you or against you, which is their choice. If they need help getting sober, then go to AA. 98% of rehabs in the country send you to AA. The fact will always remain that the only person who has a snowballs chance in hell of explaining to a drunk how to get and stay sober is another drunk. It works; it has for over 70 years. They can do that or they can go to rehab, but you have had enough!
All you need to do is one, decide that this is not acceptable behavior, and two, tell them directly that this is not acceptable. You need not even express why; it is not acceptable to you. Unless of course you woke up one morning in your teens and said,”I want to be the spouse or lover of an alcoholic.” I doubt you did. So get out your post it pad, and start with the empties, see what happens. Happy, glad, sad, or mad be calm and be clear. Not acceptable is all you need to say.
For more information or to get insight one on one, call Coach Chez Wise at Motivate 4 Success, (949) 375-2676. Real change, real results with unique techniques for your specific situation. Tools you can use over and over and the motivation to keep going. Call today. You never have to live this way again.
Tags: 12 steps, addict, addiction, alanon, alcoholic, alcoholism, anxiety, beer run, codependency, codependent, detachment, drunk, drunken brawl, eanbling, enabling, family time at rehab, he's upset, helping the addict, helping the alcoholic, Love the addict, loving the alcoholic, treatment
May 14, 2009 at 2:35 am |
Coach!
Been a while. How ya been?
Having been on the offending end of the addict/alcoholic relationship, I must concur that a loving AND firm line must be drawn in the sand for us alcoholics when active in drinking.
The removal of family support (or promise to do so… gladly, this got my attention) spoke to me what words were never successful in doing. It told me in a clear voice that I was hurting them and me and that they had to withdraw from me for all of our sakes.
That was powerful. Gladly they did it in a loving way and when I agreed to enter treatment (I mean right away, that very day), they supported me in that decision in ways I will be eternally grateful for.
When I relapsed, they did the same thing again. They were kind and wise enough to know that I was dealing with something of huge proportions so they did forgive me and allow me to prove myself again. But it took time.
Anyway, Coach.
I agree with ya.
Ciao.
Chaz